RAGE

SO MUCH RAGE.

THE FRUIT FLIES.

Why are there fruit flies?  Really, what purpose do they server for the greater good?  I mean, you could ask the same thing about me, but I feel like I bring some sort of joy to people's lives.  Fruit flies bring joy to no one.  Only rage.

I would say that the fruit flies have inspired me to keep up on my dishes.  Yes, this is a good thing.  Now I always clean, or at least rinse, my dishes immediately after I have enjoyed my delicious fare.  The purpose of fruit flies is to make sure dishes are clean?  I would definitely hop on board with that... EXCEPT THERE ARE STILL FRUIT FLIES.  EVERYWHERE.  I don't get it.  Where do they come from?!?  And so quickly.  I think that's the part I don't get.  One day, no fruit flies.  The next day, ZILLIONS OF FRUIT FLIES.  You can tell I'm full of rage because I'm using so many capital letters.  You know what I don't say nearly enough?  "That's capital!"  You know, as an exclamation.  "What a capital idea!"  I think I'm going to integrate that into my daily vocabulary.  You know what isn't capital?  The fruit flies infestation of my apartment.

The thing is, fruit flies have great taste.  I say it's great because they have the same taste as me.  They love fruit (duh) like me, and coffee, and peanut butter, and all sorts of natural tasty things.  They're not going after highly processed food, and neither am I.  Why am I being punished for enjoying bananas and cherries?  I'm eating fresh, natural foods, why am I being sent a plague?!  And it's not like I'm leaving banana peel out and about, I put them in a sealed beg!  Ugh.

And you know what else?  My apartment used to smell like Lush and pancakes and sunshine.  It smelled like paradise every time I walked in the door.  But now it smells like apple cider vinegar and hate and dying fruit flies.  Because that is supposed to be one of the most effective ways to kill the little buggers.  Apple cider vinegar in a little dish.  Not the worst smell in the world, but still nothing compared to sunshine.  Also, there is a tiny fruit fly grave yard on top of my toaster over.  Ich.

I have to admit, though, I do feel pretty badass whenever I kill one.  Not by drowning, but because of mad ninja skills.  There are very few things as satisfying as clapping your hands in midair and actually squashing one of those little brutes.  Sometimes I still yell out, "I am Obama!" whenever I manage to get one.  Everyone remembers when that happened, right?  Obama killed a fly with his bare hands on television.  It was pretty epic.  And that's how I feel when I get a fruit fly.  Epic.  I even have one completely flattened on an index card.  It is a warning to the others.

The worst thing about the fruit flies?  When they land on me at night.  Once it happens, all I can feel are the fruit flies crawling all over me.