The Breakup

Portland and I broke up.

We're going to need a little space, a little time, but I think it's safe to say that we are still going to be friends.  I know that most of you have known about the end of this relationship for a while, but I'm now ready to make a more public statement about what happened.

It was a whirlwind relationship, I must admit.  We didn't really know each other before I dived into the commitment, but I wanted to take a risk.  Embrace a challenge.  It seemed like a good fit.  There was plenty of internet stalking involved, and many of my friends vouched for what an awesome pair we would be.  (Side note:  I'm going to have some strong words with anyone who ever told me I'm "SO Portland".)

And we should have been awesome.  On paper, everything seemed right.  Great theatre community, low cost of living, high minimum wage, stellar mass transit system, and blue state status.  You have nature and a giant book store.  A bar that is filled with old arcade games and pinball machines.  And the beer.  UGH.  The beer.  It seemed like a match made in heaven.  Portland loves to recycle?!  I love to recycle!!!  That was basically the thought process.  So I moved.  Blind.  I visited once to make sure the apartment I was moving into wasn't a hell hole.  It wasn't.  It was the most magical green apartment of all time.

Of course I knew things were going to be rocky at the beginning.  Transitioning is no easy feat.  But eventually I hit my stride and the honeymoon phase.  I had jobs, I was being cast in shows, I was capable of both paying my rent and feeding myself!  I even convinced a loved one to also move to Portland.  Life was good.

But then I realized that I didn't want life to be good.  I wanted life to be great.  And Portland and I, sadly, were never going to be a great match.  I'm not saying that my life needs to be perfect, and I'm not saying that I was unhappy in Portland.  It's pretty safe to say that I can will myself to be happy almost anywhere.  Therein lies the problem, though.  I was willing myself to be happy.  Sure, life isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows 24/7.  That's unnatural.  But so was the amount of energy I was putting into being happy.  It took a Disney Cruise to remind me my full capacity for happiness and how little of the right things it takes to bring me obscene amounts of joy.  Choosing to be happy in Portland had turned into a full time job.

At this point you may be wondering what exactly made being happy in Portland so dang difficult.  We've all read the blogs.  It's common knowledge that Portland is supposed to be the most desirable place in the country to live, especially for my age bracket.  More people moved to Oregon last year than to any other state.  According to my Facebook, Buzzfeed is telling 8 out of 10 people that the city they should be living in is Portland.  One man posted in his travel blog that if you're going to visit Portland, bring all of your possessions, because you're not going to want to leave.  Guess what.  I left.  I moved back to Detroit.  Take that, bloggers!

For a while, I was too bitter with the separation to pinpoint or explain logical reasons for my departure.  "Portland is secretly lame" does not shed me in a particularly flattering light.  So I've given it some time and some thought, and I'm here to share some things that you may not read on the "Top 10 Cities to Live In" lists.  Yes, most of these items have more to do with me and my personality, but I hope you find them interesting none the less.

Guys… Portland is really white.  Yes, I am well aware that I am also very white.  And I didn't think that this lack of diversity was going to bother me.  Well, it did.  It may not be the whitest place in America, but for a city, the demographics seem really off.  You may not notice it at first, but give it some time, and it just feels wrong.

This leads to my next point.  The general population is incredibly fixated on being politically correct.  So when they do encounter diversity, things get awkward quite quickly.  It's as though people want to prove that they are the apex of all things liberal and openminded, so they end up walking on eggshells.  I swear people would break out into a sweat if they were around a black person because they were afraid they would say or do something that could be perceived (by their white, liberal friends) as racist.  And this ended up extending beyond race.  Everyone is incredibly polite in Portland.  Because that is the "correct" thing to do.  Of course we should all be polite, but when it's coming from a place of, "Ha.  I'm nice to everyone and never discriminate.  I'm proving what an emotionally and intellectually superior human I am," it's not cool.  It actually comes off as kind of cold.  What happened to, "Hey, I'm going to be nice!  Because it's nice!"?

Next, I found Portland to be incredibly narrow minded.  This may cause outrage, considering that the city is all about being weird and doing your own thing, but I found that if your "own thing" did not fit into their construct of what was "right" you were shunned.  So, a man walking down the street in a lobster costume for no reason?  No big deal.  Saying you enjoy baseball and hockey?  JUDGEMENT!  How is that a better way to live than if the tables were turned?  Just because you only accept liberal, weird things does not make you an accepting person.

Moving on.

There wasn't enough joy.  People seemed to have a hard time letting themselves be happy.  I know bad things are happening in the world, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy your locally sourced meal.  

"UGH!  It's 80º out with 2% humidity in AUGUST!  I'm going to MELT!"  Let me take you to Michigan.  "AGH!  It's 35º in JANUARY!  I thought I saw a snowflake!  I can't be expected to be productive in these conditions!"  No.  Really.  Let me take you to Michigan.  Actual conversations.

Now that I'm going, I feel like this post could stretch on forever.  I should probably stop while I still can.  The last things I'm going to add are:

Yes, there is a completely different vibe on the West Coast, and that vibe is not for everyone… or me.

They say Portland has big city amenities with a small town feeling.  It's true.  And if I'm going to live in a big city, I want it to feel like a big city.  Portland doesn't feel like a big city because it isn't.

Hipsters are getting their own post.

Portlandia is no longer funny when you are forced to live it.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.